[Wil and Charlie unravel the mysteries of the internet.] Wil: Say you want to look up a picture of John Stamos. Like- in, like, two seconds it will be there on your computer. Now, I can see your computer. Where is the picture of John Stamos right now? Charlie: Floating in the big electrical cloud. Wil: So is it near your computer? Is that how it gets there so quick? Charlie: Ah, no… Wil: What if it’s all over the other side of the world? Charlie: No, it’s like a lightning bolt. So, there’s this big electrical cloud floating about …
Charlie: So, you’ve developed technology that could end the threat of nuclear war forever … so even though you have that, you also decide to create as many nuclear weapons as you can to hold the world to ransom. Wil: Exactly. Charlie: That doesn’t make any sense! Wil: Why? Charlie: Because you could use the peaceful strategy by saying “hey, this can end the threat of nuclear war” and then take the next step from there, rather than the threat of violence. Wil: Well, how do I make any money out of that?
Charlie: I think he [Justin Bieber] is actually very attractive. If he was a girl, I think he’d be pretty hot. Wil: It’s a fine line. He’d be a good crossover. If you had to go from being heterosexual to homosexual, you could go through him.
I’m sorry that I need my desert predators to be more outrageous, but I just don’t think that if he had stopped the car and said “you have to do a shot of alcohol out of my eye socket” that just doesn’t seem fucked up enough to me. – Wil
Wil: We’ve decided that we’ve got to walk to an intersection or something and get a cab, and we’re pretty drunk, and by drunk I mean high. Charlie: And by high… Wil: Anyway we’re walking through the desert and we’ve had this massive day so we’re like “oh my God. We’re in the middle of the desert. Maybe we should just sleep under a palm tree and wake up in the morning and take it from there” Charlie: Sleep under a palm tree like a Warner Brothers cartoon? Like guys in the desert. You saw a mirage did you? Did …
Sometimes if I know you’ve got a new haircut and I’ve seen it from the distance I will duck somewhere that you haven’t seen me yet so I can have a couple of moments to think of mean things to say to you so when I see you I’m really ready to belt out 5 or 6. -Wil
Wil: “Hey, you guys, are you robbing me right now?” Charlie: Well, yeah, pretty much. I just walked out and said “hey, what are you doing?” and the guy pulled a syringe that had blood in it and he was like “open the till.” Wil: Did you urinate on yourself?
On a teenage party where Wil’s friend scalped himself Charlie: I’d be vomiting in the corner, or crying, or just making sure that my head was still intact because I’m that self-absorbed. Wil: I don’t have great memories of what happened next. Charlie: So you didn’t go to the hospital with him or anything? Wil: Dear God no. I think I was trying to come up with an alibi that I was not at that party and had nothing to do with it. Charlie: Running home with the top of his scalp stuck to the bottom of your shoe.
Tom: Well I fucking love Christmas, I think it’s amazing, but I’m not religious at all. Uhh, I love chocolate and that’s great. Charlie: Is this your centrefold bio? ‘I like chocolate, I love Christmas…’ Wil: ‘Long walks on the beach, Christmas, ponies…’ Tom: ‘People rising from the dead.’ That’s just my needs. Charlie: My turn ons. Wil: ‘Dinners with 12 of my closest friends. 1 untrustworthy one if possible’
What if your superpower was that, by eating books, you could absorb all the information those books contained? Wil: If you had to cook the books first, would that be considered book burning? Or would it be fine? Or would you have to eat them raw, I suppose, to get all the words? Charlie: Yeah, you’d have to eat them raw, otherwise– like a vegetable, the more you cook it, you burn up the vitamins. So you’d want to eat it raw. Wil: So you couldn’t like, for example, burn the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica down into ash and then snort …